...this is the end...

Only hours after writing my last blog post assuming and fearing the worst those realizations have come to fruition.

This afternoon, after I finally manage to get some time to chat with the girl after the events of last night she finally dropped the bomb that I was deep down fearing for the last week or so and was expecting after last night's debacle.

She finally admitted to me that she doesn't view us as anything more than friends. She stated that while she thought there was something there, the prospect of seeing us as something more was not in her sights. She stated time and time again during the conversation that she is not looking for any kind of relationship at the moment; she reassured me that it was not just me but in general.

As I have stated in the last two posts, I was worried that there was a problem in all of this. It just felt too good to be true when it looked like there was as the potential for something more than just being friends at work. The fact that the BBM sessions were few and far between, the distance she was putting should have given me the signs but all of the positives, the BBMs that were so good, the flirting and the open nature she had with me made me think otherwise.

What hurts the most in all of this was the nature in which this all came to be. The fact that there was our fight last night only puts me in the position that it was that which put her over the edge. She says it wasn't but how do I know that. Before that I did absolutely nothing to garner any sort of idea that there was something wrong. I can't for the life of me think of what I did, didn't do, said or didn't say that could have her conclude that I wasn't the one for her.

Where did I go wrong? Did I try too hard to impress her? Did I make her feel uncomfortable at times? There are so many questions I have but she just could not answer them for me over BBM. That is what also hurts, rather than saying this all to my face, she took the opportunity to do this via Messenger. I think that is the worst possible way of doing this, so informal and it doesn't give me the fair understanding of the situation. I wanted to see her look me in the eyes and tell me everything that she said, that way I would at least know that what she says is true. The eyes can give off messages that words can't say. If her eyes matched what she was saying to me on paper, then I would certainly feel a little bit better, I'm still heartbroken but I would understand where she is coming from.

Now we're left in a tricky situation. Where do we go from here? She stated that she wants to be friends still and while I like her a lot, I know that at least for the next week or so I will still see the girl I was falling for. I want to try to avoid talking or seeing her for the next while but that is next to impossible considering the fact that we work together. In my eyes, I think if I avoid any sort of contact, I will be able to better handle this. I am also worried that if we make contact, then I may say something I will later regret.

She also stated that while she doesn't want a relationship right now, she didn't say she never wanted one. Maybe sometime down the road there is the possibility of us actually taking that next step. I want to believe that and I swear that I will do everything in my power to get her to change her ways about me.

I still very much like her. I have never felt this way about a girl in my life. I have never been successful with members of the opposite so this is nothing new to me; I just thought this one would have been different.

Now I don't know where to go now. I have all this pent up energy right now and I don't know where to put it. I'll definitely hit the gym in a bit, hopefully that will get my mind off her. I also hope that my poor run of luck with women finally ends.