Can I be any more stupid?

Just when I thought I was breaking ground I decided to do something completely stupid and now I think I may have ended any chances I had with the girl I like.

For the last week or so (specifically since January 11th) the girl I like has slowly become quite distant. At first I thought it was because of something I did, it was only the night before that she watched me play soccer for the first time. We had lunch that day and everything seemed alright but that quickly disappeared as her open nature with me all of a suddenly disappeared. I began to worry that there was something I did but I didn't actually go so far as to ask.

One morning at work she and I began chit-chatting and I discovered that there was in fact a problem, but it had nothing to do with me. You see, a previous crush of hers, a married man, was trying to reconcile with his wife and he wanted my 'girl' to be involved in the healing process. While she wanted no part in this, she was being constantly pestered by the married couple and it clearly seemed to bother her.

I took the fact that my 'girl' was so willing to talk to me about this as a sign that she viewed me more than just any regular friend. I felt good in this regard but I still had the sneaking suspicion that there was a lot more to do this. Over the week she continued to act distant; I would try to organize something with her but she was always preoccupied with other matters. It was never to the point that it seemed like she was purposely avoiding me but it certainly did not feel like before.

Her preoccupation with other things also affected our once normal and daily BBM sessions. She was no longer sending me funny messages or getting angry that I never sent her a message. Believe me, I absolutely wanted to send her messages but as the moronic guy that I am, I worried that being too pushy would only make me look desperate.

Fast forward to this Monday (Jan 18th) and this is where I did the stupidest thing I could ever do.

She continued to mention that she was still not feeling her normal self, I asked if it had something to do with the Married couple, but she reassured me that it wasn't. When I tried to find out what it was about, she told me she didn't want to discuss it. At first I understood, but I once again let my mind take things into its own hands and started to suspect what it could be.

Was she Pregnant? Was she sick with an illness? Was there something deeper? I was concerned and I cared but I didn't think it was right of me to be all pushy and straight up ask.

I saw that she was unhappy so I tried to use my humor to help her out. I began sending her e-mails from work in the hopes of cheering up, which even included a slew of different jokes I collected. I even went so far as to find an article that mentioned how January 18th is considered the most depressing day of the year (for various reasons).

That didn't help, she continued to act distant and my worries expanded. I was convinced it had something to do with me and I was hoping to find out. This fear was finally settled when I sent a joke message telling her I was no longer interested because she didn't like the city of Vegas. I was clearly joking, but rather than playing along, her one word response was 'Ok'

Because it was the end of the day I took this the wrong way and on my ride home from work I had prepared this long BBM message saying that while what I said was a joke, I wanted to know that if she wanted me to leave her alone,. I would. I didn't want to put her in an awkward position and if there was something personally wrong that I was there but a the same time. I wouldn't put any pressure on her.

Well I didn't actually send it because my own personal drama arrived in the mail.

Back in October/November, I was preparing my application to the JET Programme. The Japanese Exchange Transfer Programme was run by the Japanese government where people from around the world would work as either an English Language instructor or government liaison for a year in Japan. I visited the country in 2008 and quickly fell in love with the area, I also wanted a change of pace and environment and I felt that I was more than qualified for the role.

Or so I thought. I got in the mail the dreaded rejection letter and I just got so angry. I knew right away when I saw the thin letter in my mailbox that bad news was attached to it. I didn't even wait to read it in my condo, deciding to open it in the foyer area. When I scanned through the letter seeing that my application was denied I did what any normal person would do, I began to scream, cry and get emotionally upset.

Just like so many other people, my new year has not started off on the right foot. On top of the issues with the girl I like, I have had my own drama. I had a bad time with my sister visiting with her boyfriend for the first two weeks of the year, my soccer team lost our first two games of the year, both in disappointing and hard-fought losses and so many other small things were putting me in a dire position. To have this fall into my lap just gave me the idea that absolutely nothing was going right for me.

When I finally got to my condo, I threw my bag on the ground, continued to yell at myself and I instead of trying to calm down, I automatically sent a message to the girl exclaiming that while she might be unhappy, I was still the 'biggest loser' around. I wanted her to know that even though she was unhappy for whatever reason, I too had serious problems.

I still don't know why I turned to her first, I think it was because I wanted her to realize that her problems might not be that serious and that at the same time, even in my own drama, I saw her as someone I could turn to.

In our year or so of 'friendship', I was never afraid to go to her for advice or 'support'. When I had a short-lived attraction to another girl at work, I turned to her for advice. It was clearly the bad call, but this was at a point in our 'relationship' where she had moved onto someone else and I thought she could help. I was really wrong. Last summer when I was really into another girl (not at work), I did go to her to ask for tips and to help me gather signs on if there was actually something there.

Because I turned to her, I was hoping for help. To some degree looking back at the texts from Monday night, she was trying to be supportive but it wasn't what I was necessarily looking for. I was complaining how I had no one and that I was destined for complete failure. She tried to calm me down by saying the right things but I just didn't see it or realize it. Then I took it too far and began getting her involved.

I was saying how my friends would not understand and that I couldn't turn to them. I responded by mention that even my addressing her sudden distance she has shown to me lately. I went so far as to inquire as to why she can so openly talk to me about the problems she had with the married couple but refused to tell me about her latest problem.

This was definitely not the thing for me to do. I was using my own frustration over my own recent anger and lashing out on her. In my lifetime I have never, ever done that to someone who was not in my immediate family. If there was ever a personal problem I had, the first person to hear about it was almost always my sister. Since I didn't have her around, I took out my anger out on the one girl I really cared about.

We 'argued' over BBM until she had to leave and she sent a friendly 'ttyl' but me, still being an ass responded with 'maybe'. That was essentially the nail in the coffin.

After a few hours and some time to reflect on my problems, I realized how much of an asshole was to her and I knew what I did was very wrong. Around 21:30 that evening I sent her a fairly long message clearly apologizing and stating how wrong and mean it was of me to involve her in my problems. I made sure not to make direct mention of her own personal problems, wanting her to know that this was clearly a problem on my end. I ended it asking for her forgiveness.

Now it's Tuesday and while I know she has read the message (thanks to BBM's R markers) she did not respond with any sort of acknowledgment. I was hoping for something, anything to put my mind at ease. I really want to know what I should do next with her and it hurts me so much.

If she responds with a 'I hate you and I never want to talk to you again,' I will whole heartedly understand and I will stop right then and there. But if she responds with 'I understand and I don't take what you said too personally' then at least I'd know that she wasn't that offended.

The fact that she has responded means that she is certainly angry with me but I don't know what I should do next. At the time of this post, she has to leave work for a Doctor's appointment and I don't know if I should send a message of support or just leave it be. If I send the message it shows I really do care but if she's angry with me, then any sort of contact will only get her more upset.

I have even gone so far as to purposely avoid walking by her desk in the hopes of not getting her angry. I am so upset with myself right now. I just wish I knew what to do. Again, I like her so much so my next move could be the last straw. I have had a bad feeling in my gut all night and this morning and I want to approach her but I really don't know what to do. She I just go talk to her, try to text her to see how she reacts or should I just hold off and give her some time to breathe.

Considering the fact that she is about to go see a Doctor for some reason, I don't want to add any more unnecessary stress. I think the best thing to do right now is to stay as distant as possible. I may send a message of encouragement in regards to the Doctor's visit but I won't say anything more. Hopefully she will make an attempt to talk to me; if not then my quest to win her heart has failed and I am the only one to blame.