My biggest challenge

While I hate to admit this, I am extremely bad at attracting members of the opposite sex. Since High School I have not been able to hold onto a girl for a long enough period of time. I've certainly dated a fair share but none of them have ever been that serious.

Back in October of 2008, there was this girl at work who was really interested in me. She thought I was really cute and she was constantly trying to go out with me. I was always hesitant on dating someone at work because I feared the consequences commonly associated with work-place relationships. From witnessing others try and fail in this regard, I didn't want to have the same thing happen to me and this girl, especially since while we did not work in the same department, we interacted on a daily basis.

Our situation got really complicated when one night in late November of that year we actually 'hooked-up'. It was an alcohol based connection but it both put it us in a weird situation that never resulted in anything more. While I believe we both liked each other to some degree, it was my hesitation and worried nature (not only because of work) that resulted in us never taking things further.

In the months following that one night, we continued to stay friends but that same spark that we might have had was quickly disappearing. I suddenly became interested in another fellow co-worker and my dilemma of not dating anyone at work was being challenged yet again. On her end, she began to show interest in a number of different guys and was dating on and off. While my attempts at the other girl at work failed miserably I still tried to pursue other women, including one during the summer that seemed like it was heading in the right direction only to hit a wall around September (of 2009).

Even though my attraction to the girl at work was on and off, I still thought of her as a really cool person. We still chit-chatted on and off but it never seemed like there was something pushing me towards her. That quickly changed last November when we really began socializing in various capacities.

It started when I invited her and her friend to my Slava (Serbian Religious gathering where we honor a family's Patron Saint (mine being Saint Demetrius)). She was a hit with my friends and I began to see just how much value she had in my life. We continued to hang out, she would invite me and my friends to join her and her friends at various places and my friends began to question why nothing ever materialized between the two of us.

Since my friends began to question it, I too thought to myself 'why haven't I ever tried to get with her again?' If I had others saying they saw something then why didn't I? Then it hit me, I actually do like her...and I like her a lot!

At first, I was extremely quiet about this. I didn't want to pounce on her and admit that I was attracted to her. It was me who initially pushed her away so turning around and professing my infatuation with her would almost seem desperate. We continued to do our practically nightly BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) sessions, which often lead to some very interesting topics of discussions. We talked about all sorts of topics both PG and non-PG. She even went so far as to send me a picture of her in the bathtub. It was just a shot of her legs but I took that as a sign.

I slowly began to tell her my interest in her I tried to be as subtle as possible. I did not want to scream it out loud but I wanted her to know that I had her in my thoughts.

Because of our regular socializing, our BBM sessions and occasional lunch dates eventually led to her wanting to watch me play in my Fall Soccer League. While the match was canceled due to snow, we went to the Movies together. I had a really good time with her and I think she did as well.

A few days later she came over and to my surprise, we spent the evening playing Video Games. She was over for about 4 hours and that entire time we spent playing Dragon Age: Origins on the PS3. While she did all the playing, I enjoyed sitting there beside her watching her. During that time together my initial thoughts were confirmed, I really like this girl.

That same night I gave her a Christmas Gift. Considering I do not celebrate December 25th as Christmas (we Orthodox people celebrate it on January 7th), I wanted to show her my interest in her and I went the creative route in giving her a gift. I went to Lush and spent close to $100 on various Bath materials as I knew she loved taking baths on a regular basis. On top of that, I even covertly asked her what her favorite Jelly Bean flavors were and added that to the gift. It was all nicely wrapped in a basket which I gave to her just before Christmas.

She loved the gift but I still wasn't able to win her heart. I had no intention on 'buying' her love but I wanted to show her just how genuine I was and that I cared about her. I eventually came out saying that I was actually interested in her and I kind of regret it. While she responded positively in return it was coupled with a lot of 'buts...'

You see, because of our past, she has a hard time trusting me and I believe she fears I will only break her heart again. Since we never actually got to sit down and talk about our past neither knows how the things went down over the last year. I could never explain properly why I treated her the way that I did and I never understood what I did that made her change her view

Although both are clearly related, my being a jackass at times most definitely pushed her away. I also believe that when I began to discuss my attraction for another co-worker it got her mad. But, in my defense, by the time I was doing that she had already moved on to two different guys and was not shy about boasting about it. She was clearly doing that to make me jealous and while I never admitted it to her, I was.

Since Christmas, we have hung out a few times. The first was for my Birthday on December 30th and that evening, while incredible, didn't amount to anything as I spent most of it drunk or getting drunk. An interesting fact on that night is that when I was sober, I tried my hardest to impress her any way I could. I was constantly filming her with my video camera because I can honestly say that I think she is so beautiful.

With the new year, our friendship has put me in a real weird position. I am constantly thinking about her to the point that I often feel uneasy about it. If I don't talk to her it feels like I am missing something. I became so accustomed to chatting that when I don't I worry that there is something wrong. I haven't become jealous, but I am worried that I may eventually.

I think the problem is that I still have no idea how she really feels about me. While she says that it's only trust and the views of people at work that are holding her back, I sometimes think there is something more.

When my Christmas came a few days ago, she actually tried to impress me by wishing me a Happy Christmas in Serbian by using a translating program. I had invited her over to spend the evening with me and my family but she could not make it. I understood since she had a family emergency and family is always first.

But then she hit me with a big confusing situation. She actually came to one of my soccer games. Not only that, she had the opportunity to meet my sister and her boyfriend who were visiting Vancouver from Ottawa. I really put this in the position as wanting to be a part of my life. The fact that I invited her and told her that she'd meet my sister did not detract her.

I was really nervous for that day and luckily it seemed like she enjoyed herself. It was a wet evening but she toughed it out and said that it was fun. It even worked from the other side as my sister and her BF also thought very positively of her. I consider this a really good thing but again, I still don't know where we actually stand.

Since she has stated she wants to take this slowly, I can view it from two perspectives. The positive and more understandable situation is that she wants to see if my sudden interest in her is just something short lived or actually what I say it is. I completely understand her in this regard because of the past. The other and more negative view is that she is maybe waiting for something else (meaning someone else). I highly doubt this is the situation as she would have told me otherwise but I still have this doubt in my mind. I hate having it but I should never assume things are going according to plan.

The next 30 days will be extremely difficult and I believe will ultimately determine if anything moves forward. I want to try to involve her in the things that I do over the next month but the fact that Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I think any shot I have with her will occur by that time.

I am clearly looking for a relationship this time around, not just to 'hit it and quit it'.

I have tickets to the Olympics and I would love nothing more than for her to join me for at least two of the three events I will be attending. I have already invited her to join me on Tuesday, Feb 16th (I haven't told her the event (Woman's Snowboarding Cross Prelims and Finals)) and I hope she will join me. I honestly view that if we haven't established where we stand by then it will be the last factor in determining if there is anything between us. I'd love for us to have things settled before that but that date is the one I view as the point of no return.

Essentially the next move is hers. I think she knows where I stand so I need her to act as Ground Control and to lead me in. If she wants me, I essentially need her to give me the 'permission to land' directive. Yes, it sounds very cheesy, but I view it as if I do anything to 'force' myself onto her (in any way) that I could mess this up. If I can see it in her eyes that she is open to me, I won't be afraid to pounce. At the same time, if those eyes show no chance for a landing, I want to pull away before it hurts.

In the coming weeks I hope to post updates on our situation. I won't go into every detail but I do expect to write about what I've discovered between us. It highly doubtful anyone is actually going to read this and I am certain that she will never see this but I want to use this opportunity to get this off my chest. Since I have no one to really talk to about topics pertaining to love, just being able to project myself might be a bit of a relief. It also goes to show just how much I actually care for her. I have never felt this way about any girl before so I know that even if things don't go accordingly to plan, I never gave up and I put up a good fight. On the other hand, if I succeed, I know I will feel something that I have never felt before and I think it would make me a better person.