Where to go next

It has been one heck of a week for me and thankfully it's slowly coming to a close. I have had to deal with a number of issue this week, one especially that I wish never came to fruition. I am still in a lot of 'pain' over the falling out between me and the girl. I have spent the last few days (Wednesday and Thursday) talking to numerous people, reading stuff online and trying to get at grasp of the situation and it still feels awkward and I am unsure what to do.

I have never been in this situation before. In the past, when I girl didn't like me I knew it and I never put too much investment into it. If I thought there was hope, there were still signs that protected me. In this situation, it just came out of nowhere and I never expected her to react the way that she did.

The question now for me is where do I go from here. When talking to my guy friends they are telling me to move on and to just forget about her. If she is meant to be, we'll still connect down the road.

I'd love nothing more than to avoid her for a few days but we work together. I have already walked past her desk twice this morning and while we didn't make any sort of contact, I know it will happen soon.

When I talked to females, they told me I should try to fight for her but within reason. The consensus there is that considering out history, it's impossible that she just all of sudden thought this way and that she more than likely has something else on her mind and doesn't want the drama of having a boyfriend (or a male friend) in the way. I completely agree with this view.

I want to talk to her but I am just worried that I'm trying to fix things too quickly. I know that if I act too pushy it will only cause more problems but I am also worried that if I don't approach her, this might confirm her fears that I was never actually serious about all of this. I want to make things right, so hopefully I will figure out what to do. Maybe just putting the effort will be enough. I know I can't just sit around and expect things to fall into place; I must put as much as I can to show her I want her and that she needs and wants me.

...this is the end...

Only hours after writing my last blog post assuming and fearing the worst those realizations have come to fruition.

This afternoon, after I finally manage to get some time to chat with the girl after the events of last night she finally dropped the bomb that I was deep down fearing for the last week or so and was expecting after last night's debacle.

She finally admitted to me that she doesn't view us as anything more than friends. She stated that while she thought there was something there, the prospect of seeing us as something more was not in her sights. She stated time and time again during the conversation that she is not looking for any kind of relationship at the moment; she reassured me that it was not just me but in general.

As I have stated in the last two posts, I was worried that there was a problem in all of this. It just felt too good to be true when it looked like there was as the potential for something more than just being friends at work. The fact that the BBM sessions were few and far between, the distance she was putting should have given me the signs but all of the positives, the BBMs that were so good, the flirting and the open nature she had with me made me think otherwise.

What hurts the most in all of this was the nature in which this all came to be. The fact that there was our fight last night only puts me in the position that it was that which put her over the edge. She says it wasn't but how do I know that. Before that I did absolutely nothing to garner any sort of idea that there was something wrong. I can't for the life of me think of what I did, didn't do, said or didn't say that could have her conclude that I wasn't the one for her.

Where did I go wrong? Did I try too hard to impress her? Did I make her feel uncomfortable at times? There are so many questions I have but she just could not answer them for me over BBM. That is what also hurts, rather than saying this all to my face, she took the opportunity to do this via Messenger. I think that is the worst possible way of doing this, so informal and it doesn't give me the fair understanding of the situation. I wanted to see her look me in the eyes and tell me everything that she said, that way I would at least know that what she says is true. The eyes can give off messages that words can't say. If her eyes matched what she was saying to me on paper, then I would certainly feel a little bit better, I'm still heartbroken but I would understand where she is coming from.

Now we're left in a tricky situation. Where do we go from here? She stated that she wants to be friends still and while I like her a lot, I know that at least for the next week or so I will still see the girl I was falling for. I want to try to avoid talking or seeing her for the next while but that is next to impossible considering the fact that we work together. In my eyes, I think if I avoid any sort of contact, I will be able to better handle this. I am also worried that if we make contact, then I may say something I will later regret.

She also stated that while she doesn't want a relationship right now, she didn't say she never wanted one. Maybe sometime down the road there is the possibility of us actually taking that next step. I want to believe that and I swear that I will do everything in my power to get her to change her ways about me.

I still very much like her. I have never felt this way about a girl in my life. I have never been successful with members of the opposite so this is nothing new to me; I just thought this one would have been different.

Now I don't know where to go now. I have all this pent up energy right now and I don't know where to put it. I'll definitely hit the gym in a bit, hopefully that will get my mind off her. I also hope that my poor run of luck with women finally ends.

Can I be any more stupid?

Just when I thought I was breaking ground I decided to do something completely stupid and now I think I may have ended any chances I had with the girl I like.

For the last week or so (specifically since January 11th) the girl I like has slowly become quite distant. At first I thought it was because of something I did, it was only the night before that she watched me play soccer for the first time. We had lunch that day and everything seemed alright but that quickly disappeared as her open nature with me all of a suddenly disappeared. I began to worry that there was something I did but I didn't actually go so far as to ask.

One morning at work she and I began chit-chatting and I discovered that there was in fact a problem, but it had nothing to do with me. You see, a previous crush of hers, a married man, was trying to reconcile with his wife and he wanted my 'girl' to be involved in the healing process. While she wanted no part in this, she was being constantly pestered by the married couple and it clearly seemed to bother her.

I took the fact that my 'girl' was so willing to talk to me about this as a sign that she viewed me more than just any regular friend. I felt good in this regard but I still had the sneaking suspicion that there was a lot more to do this. Over the week she continued to act distant; I would try to organize something with her but she was always preoccupied with other matters. It was never to the point that it seemed like she was purposely avoiding me but it certainly did not feel like before.

Her preoccupation with other things also affected our once normal and daily BBM sessions. She was no longer sending me funny messages or getting angry that I never sent her a message. Believe me, I absolutely wanted to send her messages but as the moronic guy that I am, I worried that being too pushy would only make me look desperate.

Fast forward to this Monday (Jan 18th) and this is where I did the stupidest thing I could ever do.

She continued to mention that she was still not feeling her normal self, I asked if it had something to do with the Married couple, but she reassured me that it wasn't. When I tried to find out what it was about, she told me she didn't want to discuss it. At first I understood, but I once again let my mind take things into its own hands and started to suspect what it could be.

Was she Pregnant? Was she sick with an illness? Was there something deeper? I was concerned and I cared but I didn't think it was right of me to be all pushy and straight up ask.

I saw that she was unhappy so I tried to use my humor to help her out. I began sending her e-mails from work in the hopes of cheering up, which even included a slew of different jokes I collected. I even went so far as to find an article that mentioned how January 18th is considered the most depressing day of the year (for various reasons).

That didn't help, she continued to act distant and my worries expanded. I was convinced it had something to do with me and I was hoping to find out. This fear was finally settled when I sent a joke message telling her I was no longer interested because she didn't like the city of Vegas. I was clearly joking, but rather than playing along, her one word response was 'Ok'

Because it was the end of the day I took this the wrong way and on my ride home from work I had prepared this long BBM message saying that while what I said was a joke, I wanted to know that if she wanted me to leave her alone,. I would. I didn't want to put her in an awkward position and if there was something personally wrong that I was there but a the same time. I wouldn't put any pressure on her.

Well I didn't actually send it because my own personal drama arrived in the mail.

Back in October/November, I was preparing my application to the JET Programme. The Japanese Exchange Transfer Programme was run by the Japanese government where people from around the world would work as either an English Language instructor or government liaison for a year in Japan. I visited the country in 2008 and quickly fell in love with the area, I also wanted a change of pace and environment and I felt that I was more than qualified for the role.

Or so I thought. I got in the mail the dreaded rejection letter and I just got so angry. I knew right away when I saw the thin letter in my mailbox that bad news was attached to it. I didn't even wait to read it in my condo, deciding to open it in the foyer area. When I scanned through the letter seeing that my application was denied I did what any normal person would do, I began to scream, cry and get emotionally upset.

Just like so many other people, my new year has not started off on the right foot. On top of the issues with the girl I like, I have had my own drama. I had a bad time with my sister visiting with her boyfriend for the first two weeks of the year, my soccer team lost our first two games of the year, both in disappointing and hard-fought losses and so many other small things were putting me in a dire position. To have this fall into my lap just gave me the idea that absolutely nothing was going right for me.

When I finally got to my condo, I threw my bag on the ground, continued to yell at myself and I instead of trying to calm down, I automatically sent a message to the girl exclaiming that while she might be unhappy, I was still the 'biggest loser' around. I wanted her to know that even though she was unhappy for whatever reason, I too had serious problems.

I still don't know why I turned to her first, I think it was because I wanted her to realize that her problems might not be that serious and that at the same time, even in my own drama, I saw her as someone I could turn to.

In our year or so of 'friendship', I was never afraid to go to her for advice or 'support'. When I had a short-lived attraction to another girl at work, I turned to her for advice. It was clearly the bad call, but this was at a point in our 'relationship' where she had moved onto someone else and I thought she could help. I was really wrong. Last summer when I was really into another girl (not at work), I did go to her to ask for tips and to help me gather signs on if there was actually something there.

Because I turned to her, I was hoping for help. To some degree looking back at the texts from Monday night, she was trying to be supportive but it wasn't what I was necessarily looking for. I was complaining how I had no one and that I was destined for complete failure. She tried to calm me down by saying the right things but I just didn't see it or realize it. Then I took it too far and began getting her involved.

I was saying how my friends would not understand and that I couldn't turn to them. I responded by mention that even my addressing her sudden distance she has shown to me lately. I went so far as to inquire as to why she can so openly talk to me about the problems she had with the married couple but refused to tell me about her latest problem.

This was definitely not the thing for me to do. I was using my own frustration over my own recent anger and lashing out on her. In my lifetime I have never, ever done that to someone who was not in my immediate family. If there was ever a personal problem I had, the first person to hear about it was almost always my sister. Since I didn't have her around, I took out my anger out on the one girl I really cared about.

We 'argued' over BBM until she had to leave and she sent a friendly 'ttyl' but me, still being an ass responded with 'maybe'. That was essentially the nail in the coffin.

After a few hours and some time to reflect on my problems, I realized how much of an asshole was to her and I knew what I did was very wrong. Around 21:30 that evening I sent her a fairly long message clearly apologizing and stating how wrong and mean it was of me to involve her in my problems. I made sure not to make direct mention of her own personal problems, wanting her to know that this was clearly a problem on my end. I ended it asking for her forgiveness.

Now it's Tuesday and while I know she has read the message (thanks to BBM's R markers) she did not respond with any sort of acknowledgment. I was hoping for something, anything to put my mind at ease. I really want to know what I should do next with her and it hurts me so much.

If she responds with a 'I hate you and I never want to talk to you again,' I will whole heartedly understand and I will stop right then and there. But if she responds with 'I understand and I don't take what you said too personally' then at least I'd know that she wasn't that offended.

The fact that she has responded means that she is certainly angry with me but I don't know what I should do next. At the time of this post, she has to leave work for a Doctor's appointment and I don't know if I should send a message of support or just leave it be. If I send the message it shows I really do care but if she's angry with me, then any sort of contact will only get her more upset.

I have even gone so far as to purposely avoid walking by her desk in the hopes of not getting her angry. I am so upset with myself right now. I just wish I knew what to do. Again, I like her so much so my next move could be the last straw. I have had a bad feeling in my gut all night and this morning and I want to approach her but I really don't know what to do. She I just go talk to her, try to text her to see how she reacts or should I just hold off and give her some time to breathe.

Considering the fact that she is about to go see a Doctor for some reason, I don't want to add any more unnecessary stress. I think the best thing to do right now is to stay as distant as possible. I may send a message of encouragement in regards to the Doctor's visit but I won't say anything more. Hopefully she will make an attempt to talk to me; if not then my quest to win her heart has failed and I am the only one to blame.

My biggest challenge

While I hate to admit this, I am extremely bad at attracting members of the opposite sex. Since High School I have not been able to hold onto a girl for a long enough period of time. I've certainly dated a fair share but none of them have ever been that serious.

Back in October of 2008, there was this girl at work who was really interested in me. She thought I was really cute and she was constantly trying to go out with me. I was always hesitant on dating someone at work because I feared the consequences commonly associated with work-place relationships. From witnessing others try and fail in this regard, I didn't want to have the same thing happen to me and this girl, especially since while we did not work in the same department, we interacted on a daily basis.

Our situation got really complicated when one night in late November of that year we actually 'hooked-up'. It was an alcohol based connection but it both put it us in a weird situation that never resulted in anything more. While I believe we both liked each other to some degree, it was my hesitation and worried nature (not only because of work) that resulted in us never taking things further.

In the months following that one night, we continued to stay friends but that same spark that we might have had was quickly disappearing. I suddenly became interested in another fellow co-worker and my dilemma of not dating anyone at work was being challenged yet again. On her end, she began to show interest in a number of different guys and was dating on and off. While my attempts at the other girl at work failed miserably I still tried to pursue other women, including one during the summer that seemed like it was heading in the right direction only to hit a wall around September (of 2009).

Even though my attraction to the girl at work was on and off, I still thought of her as a really cool person. We still chit-chatted on and off but it never seemed like there was something pushing me towards her. That quickly changed last November when we really began socializing in various capacities.

It started when I invited her and her friend to my Slava (Serbian Religious gathering where we honor a family's Patron Saint (mine being Saint Demetrius)). She was a hit with my friends and I began to see just how much value she had in my life. We continued to hang out, she would invite me and my friends to join her and her friends at various places and my friends began to question why nothing ever materialized between the two of us.

Since my friends began to question it, I too thought to myself 'why haven't I ever tried to get with her again?' If I had others saying they saw something then why didn't I? Then it hit me, I actually do like her...and I like her a lot!

At first, I was extremely quiet about this. I didn't want to pounce on her and admit that I was attracted to her. It was me who initially pushed her away so turning around and professing my infatuation with her would almost seem desperate. We continued to do our practically nightly BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) sessions, which often lead to some very interesting topics of discussions. We talked about all sorts of topics both PG and non-PG. She even went so far as to send me a picture of her in the bathtub. It was just a shot of her legs but I took that as a sign.

I slowly began to tell her my interest in her I tried to be as subtle as possible. I did not want to scream it out loud but I wanted her to know that I had her in my thoughts.

Because of our regular socializing, our BBM sessions and occasional lunch dates eventually led to her wanting to watch me play in my Fall Soccer League. While the match was canceled due to snow, we went to the Movies together. I had a really good time with her and I think she did as well.

A few days later she came over and to my surprise, we spent the evening playing Video Games. She was over for about 4 hours and that entire time we spent playing Dragon Age: Origins on the PS3. While she did all the playing, I enjoyed sitting there beside her watching her. During that time together my initial thoughts were confirmed, I really like this girl.

That same night I gave her a Christmas Gift. Considering I do not celebrate December 25th as Christmas (we Orthodox people celebrate it on January 7th), I wanted to show her my interest in her and I went the creative route in giving her a gift. I went to Lush and spent close to $100 on various Bath materials as I knew she loved taking baths on a regular basis. On top of that, I even covertly asked her what her favorite Jelly Bean flavors were and added that to the gift. It was all nicely wrapped in a basket which I gave to her just before Christmas.

She loved the gift but I still wasn't able to win her heart. I had no intention on 'buying' her love but I wanted to show her just how genuine I was and that I cared about her. I eventually came out saying that I was actually interested in her and I kind of regret it. While she responded positively in return it was coupled with a lot of 'buts...'

You see, because of our past, she has a hard time trusting me and I believe she fears I will only break her heart again. Since we never actually got to sit down and talk about our past neither knows how the things went down over the last year. I could never explain properly why I treated her the way that I did and I never understood what I did that made her change her view

Although both are clearly related, my being a jackass at times most definitely pushed her away. I also believe that when I began to discuss my attraction for another co-worker it got her mad. But, in my defense, by the time I was doing that she had already moved on to two different guys and was not shy about boasting about it. She was clearly doing that to make me jealous and while I never admitted it to her, I was.

Since Christmas, we have hung out a few times. The first was for my Birthday on December 30th and that evening, while incredible, didn't amount to anything as I spent most of it drunk or getting drunk. An interesting fact on that night is that when I was sober, I tried my hardest to impress her any way I could. I was constantly filming her with my video camera because I can honestly say that I think she is so beautiful.

With the new year, our friendship has put me in a real weird position. I am constantly thinking about her to the point that I often feel uneasy about it. If I don't talk to her it feels like I am missing something. I became so accustomed to chatting that when I don't I worry that there is something wrong. I haven't become jealous, but I am worried that I may eventually.

I think the problem is that I still have no idea how she really feels about me. While she says that it's only trust and the views of people at work that are holding her back, I sometimes think there is something more.

When my Christmas came a few days ago, she actually tried to impress me by wishing me a Happy Christmas in Serbian by using a translating program. I had invited her over to spend the evening with me and my family but she could not make it. I understood since she had a family emergency and family is always first.

But then she hit me with a big confusing situation. She actually came to one of my soccer games. Not only that, she had the opportunity to meet my sister and her boyfriend who were visiting Vancouver from Ottawa. I really put this in the position as wanting to be a part of my life. The fact that I invited her and told her that she'd meet my sister did not detract her.

I was really nervous for that day and luckily it seemed like she enjoyed herself. It was a wet evening but she toughed it out and said that it was fun. It even worked from the other side as my sister and her BF also thought very positively of her. I consider this a really good thing but again, I still don't know where we actually stand.

Since she has stated she wants to take this slowly, I can view it from two perspectives. The positive and more understandable situation is that she wants to see if my sudden interest in her is just something short lived or actually what I say it is. I completely understand her in this regard because of the past. The other and more negative view is that she is maybe waiting for something else (meaning someone else). I highly doubt this is the situation as she would have told me otherwise but I still have this doubt in my mind. I hate having it but I should never assume things are going according to plan.

The next 30 days will be extremely difficult and I believe will ultimately determine if anything moves forward. I want to try to involve her in the things that I do over the next month but the fact that Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I think any shot I have with her will occur by that time.

I am clearly looking for a relationship this time around, not just to 'hit it and quit it'.

I have tickets to the Olympics and I would love nothing more than for her to join me for at least two of the three events I will be attending. I have already invited her to join me on Tuesday, Feb 16th (I haven't told her the event (Woman's Snowboarding Cross Prelims and Finals)) and I hope she will join me. I honestly view that if we haven't established where we stand by then it will be the last factor in determining if there is anything between us. I'd love for us to have things settled before that but that date is the one I view as the point of no return.

Essentially the next move is hers. I think she knows where I stand so I need her to act as Ground Control and to lead me in. If she wants me, I essentially need her to give me the 'permission to land' directive. Yes, it sounds very cheesy, but I view it as if I do anything to 'force' myself onto her (in any way) that I could mess this up. If I can see it in her eyes that she is open to me, I won't be afraid to pounce. At the same time, if those eyes show no chance for a landing, I want to pull away before it hurts.

In the coming weeks I hope to post updates on our situation. I won't go into every detail but I do expect to write about what I've discovered between us. It highly doubtful anyone is actually going to read this and I am certain that she will never see this but I want to use this opportunity to get this off my chest. Since I have no one to really talk to about topics pertaining to love, just being able to project myself might be a bit of a relief. It also goes to show just how much I actually care for her. I have never felt this way about any girl before so I know that even if things don't go accordingly to plan, I never gave up and I put up a good fight. On the other hand, if I succeed, I know I will feel something that I have never felt before and I think it would make me a better person.